The Push and the Pull

Now that I’m back in school, and actually have things to do with my time, I’ve been forced to come to grips with, how shall I say this, a little flip-floppy aspect of my character. I guess I’ve always known this part of myself, but for the last six years, it was easy for me to ignore because there was really nothing for me to be that motivated about. But now? Now, it’s causing some problems. Because it’s really hard to be a super excellent student when you’re only feeling ambitious on a part-time basis. I am my own biggest distraction.

There are days when I am seriously on the ball. I am motivated and energized. Everything on the to do list gets checked off, and I starting thinking up new plans, new involvements, new projects. I feel pure and healthy and super duper smart and I think, “Man, I am going to get the greatest job when I’m out of library school, and I’m just going to love it! I’ll work so hard and do excellent things in the world! I am awesome!” And then some mornings I wake up and I am just tired. My brain feels fuzzy and unfocused and all those great projects are forgotten, or just seem, really, kind of pointless. I don’t want to write or create or make any kind of comments in class whatsoever. I can feel myself just sliding into mediocrity, and on those days, I don’t even care.

I don’t really understand what causes these weird swings in my sense of purpose and ambition. I suppose some people might say I should talk to a therapist or something like that, but that’s not really my style. I think there are probably a ton of factors that go into it, including when I last got to the gym, how well I’ve been eating, how much time I’ve been spending at the pub, et cetera. It seems even kind of a silly thing to talk about: So what? I have some bad days. It’s just that it feels so wildly moody, so weirdly binary, and that, seriously, it is hard to be an engaged and involved and accomplished student when you feel so overwhelmed by things that you just stop caring for a day or two. I wonder sometimes perhaps if I was better organized or managed my time better, it would be easier to maintain my motivation. Or, I wonder if everyone experiences this, and it’s just a fact of life. Some days are just not as bright and shiny as others.